You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
