dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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