I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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