Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
