I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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