I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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