Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
