I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
