totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
