found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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