i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
