I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
