I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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