I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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