Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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