I've blown a few things in my day
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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