I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
