Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
