She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
