I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
