I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
