Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
