that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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