Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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