New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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