I'm drive I can fine osifer
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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