i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
should my penis look like a turkey
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
