There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
