I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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