FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
