I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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