So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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