Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
