oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
