i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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