conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
