May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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