I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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