please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize