you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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