His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize