i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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