We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
