hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
