Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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