i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
