Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
