He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
