His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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