the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize