Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
