her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
