her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You are the jesus of drinking
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
