ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
