I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
