I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
