Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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