K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
