This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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