Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
