it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
