Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
